It’s no secret: animals are out to kill us. While we spend hundreds of billions of dollars fighting the terrorist threat overseas, animal sleeper cells are biding their time, veloping strange and fabulous powers far beyond those of man. Hawks sharpening their talons. Giant squids flexing their suckers. Dolphins waggling their prehensile penises. And leading the brigade, a very special cat thatknows when you’re going to die. And that’s only the tip of the furry iceberg.

So, as a public service, we’ve decided to profile some of the world’s most superpowered creatures. As far as we know, none of them are on the Endangered Species list. Though with the help of fear mongering articles like this, and some generous gun control legislation, we can change all that. If we don’t, it just may be us humans living in protected enclosures and spending our days watching pornography to encourage mating behavior like nature’s loser, the Panda.

8.The Animal: Gecko

The Power: Atomic Climbing

How It Works: When they’re not using their British accents to hawk car insurance, geckos spend their time scurrying up surfaces with the ease of a machine specifically designed to do the same. But this isn’t just some snail-class gooey shit climbing we’re talking about here.Every square millimeter of a gecko’s footpads contains 14,000 tiny hairs, called setae, each of which branches into around 500 little tiny “spatulae” so small that they are below the wavelength of visible light. Using these invisible, atomic micromicromicrofibers,geckos are able to harness van der Waals interactions on a molecular level, sticking to almost every known surface outside of Teflon. Their grip is so strong, if it used all of its gripping power at once, a single adult gecko could hold aloft 290 lbs. At this point, it’s important to note that our brave men and women in uniform almost all weigh under 290 lbs., making them prime targets for roving bands of gecko hurl-squads??.

Spirit Animal Of: Spider-Man, The Human Fly, Dan Osmond

Additional Powers: Can lick their own eyeballs, and expel feces when threatened. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Outfit our soldiers with the latest in Teflon bodysuit technology.

7.The Animal: Bombardier Beetle

The Power: Energy Blasts

How It Works: A number of animal species are able to project ink, foul-smelling chemicals, or feces from their bodies. But in these cases, there is little to fear beyond stained clothing, a tomato sauce bath, or social ostracism. The bombardier beetle, however, takes bodily expulsion to a new threat level by harnessing the power of chemical reactions to release a boiling, exploding liquid from its body up to seventy times per encounter. In short, it shits napalm. We don’t even need to explain what kind of threat this poses to our citizens and toilet paper industry alike.

Spirit Animal Of: Me after a night of Tijuana-style Jalapeño Dogs.??

Additional Powers: Starred in a children’s book that purports to disprove the Theory of Evolution.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Spiking the beetle’s natural food source with boxes upon boxes of Gas-X??.

6.The Animal: Platypus

The Power: Electrolocation

How It Works: Count your senses. If you’re fortunate, you’ve got one hand raised, five fingers splayed in sensorial triumph. If you’re less fortunate, a birth defect or lathe accident has knocked you down to three or four, or else you got your fingers chopped off in a bar fight. But if you’re a Platypus, you get to raise six fingers, all presumably snapped from the hands of girl scouts and dangling from a malevolent bill??. Platapi?? are monotremes (the only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our Chaos Emeralds??), a type of mammal endowed with the sixth sense of electroreception, the ability to sense electric fields generated by muscular contraction. That means they can sense your directional location if you so much as move a muscle. Even a blind, deaf Platypus with no sense of smell knows right where you are, and he and his echidna friends are on their way. With tire irons. And they’re angry drunk.

Spirit Animal Of: Daredevil, Radar O’Reilly, the raptors from the kitchen scene of Jurassic Park.

Additional Powers: Venemous talons on each foot, egg-laying, and the cruel mockery of all evolutionary and natural law.

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Convince them that their “protected habitat” is a Faraday Cage.

5.The Animal: Hummingbird

The Power: Superspeed

How It Works: Hummingbirds do everything fast. They’ve got the fastest metabolism of any animal other than insects, their heart rate can get up to 1,260 beats per minute, and they can flap their wings up to 70 times a second. One can only imagine the horrifying speed with

which they’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses. This incredible speed makes the Hummingbird the only animal capable of hovering in midair, and even flying backwards. The only device we have that can match them in aerial agility is the helicopter, and that’s got nothing on them for nectar-drinking ability. If terrorists ever decide to design and manufacture Hummingbird pistols, we’re going to be in for mobile, whirling vortices of sheer bullet.

Spirit Animal Of: This guy.

Additional Powers: A bifurcated tongue, the ability to hibernate in times of food shortage, and the observed ability to fly over 500 miles without stopping to sleep or eat. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Because of their speed, hummingbirds need to eat up to five times their own body weight in nectar per day. Destroy the flowers, and we’ve got hese bastards on the run.

4.The Animal: Archer Fish

The Power: Sharpshooting

How It Works: The archerfish of India and Polynesia feed primarily on insects. Only, unlike normal, International Law-abiding fish, they don’t just wait for a bug to fly into the water and drown. The archerfish uses a specially-shaped lower jaw to shoot a jet of water up to fifteen feet long to knock insects out of overhanging branches. They are such skilled marksman that they can routinely shoot and kill an insect six feet above the surface of the water, while compensating for light refraction. Which is all well and good when they’re only shooting at bugs; let the animals wipe each other out, we say. But how long can we allow our children to cavort and play on the branches overhanging Polynesian rivers before we lose one to these deadly snipers?

Spirit Animal Of: Leon from The Professional, Simo Hayha??, Robin of Loxley??

Additional Powers: Enough PR to get two U.S. submarines named after them.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Polluting some of the world’s rivers might fuzzy up their aim a bit. Get on it.

3.The Animal: Ring-tailed Cat

The Power: Agility

How It Works: Your average house cat is already fairly threatening:claws, the evil eye, and an internal “righting mechanism” that guarantees that no matter how high a building you drop them off of, the best you’re going to get is four broken kitty legs. Enter the ring-tailed cat, probably shimmying backwards down a pipe. The ring-tail cat has taken “cat-like agility” to an absurd degree, routinely performing cartwheels on narrow branches in order to change direction,rotating their feet up to 180 degrees, and climbing up cervices in rock by ricochet-jumping back and forth between each side. That’s right; they can’t just out-agile us, they’ve got to rub it in our faces too??. Word has it the Russians are busy recruiting ring-taileds for their 2012 floor gymnastics team. All that, and the evil eye is strong as ever.

Spirit Animal Of: Altair from Assassin’s Creed, Sam Fischer, Shawn Johnson

Additional Powers: The ring-tailed cat is omnivorous. Now, we don’t want to frighten anyone unduly, but did you know that the literal translation of omnivorous is “eats everything?” Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: A nation-wide pole-greasing campaign.

2.The Animal: Anglerfish

The Power: Post-Mortem(死后的) Impregnation

How It Works: Even a carpet bombing of the sea floor may not be enough to wipe these things out for good (although it’s not a bad start). Some particularly stubborn anglerfish species are able to procreate even from beyond the watery grave. The males of the species, when they

find a female, will proceed with foreplay in the manner any of us would: by biting into her skin, then secreting an enzyme that dissolves his lips and part of her body, permanently attaching himself to her in the form of a decaying food tube. At the other end of the tube are the gonads, primed to release their precious payload at the woman’s discretion. That’s the human equivalent of stapling your nuts?? to an ex-girlfriend, on the premise that “she might need them later.”

Spirit Animal Of: Every needy boyfriend who ever “accidentally” left something at your apartment so he could drop by to pick it up.

Additional Powers: Bioluminescent head-lures, extreme resistance to undersea water pressure, camouflage.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: An abundant supply of morning after pills .

1.The Animal: Octopus

The Power: Every fucking thing

How It Works: The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people. They’re the most intelligent invertebrate in the world, can detach their arms, spray ink, move in perfect cadence with underwater currents, squeeze through any space larger than a quarter, and change color to blend in with their surroundings. Due to the inordinate number of superhuman powers they were granted, current biological studies assert that they may, in fact, be God.

Spirit Animal Of: Mr. Fantastic, Captain Marvel (the shitty one), Dr.Zoidberg

Additional Powers: Not that they need any, but researchers now believe that some octopi are capable of walking on land on two legs, while disguising themselves as a coconut. So the next time you’re going to make piña coladas, blend first and ask questions later. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: If the octopi are attacking, there’s really not a whole lot we can do. The best plan would be to nuke the Earth to hell and start over. There’s a good chance the radioactive mutants spawned in the apocalypse won’t be as powerful or weird looking, anyway.

这点已经不是什么秘密了: 动物早就处心积虑地想干掉人类了。当我们正在花费数千亿美元，去打击那些海外恐怖威胁时，动物恐怖组织正在抓紧时间，它们拼命进化着各种古怪离奇、大异于人类的超能力。鹰隼时刻磨砺自己的爪牙、巨型鱿鱼津津乐道于修炼它们的吸盘触手、海豚不时摆动长长的阴茎。一只知道你何时会死的怪猫，成了它们的带头大哥。而这只是动物们计划中微不足道的冰山一角。

那么，作为一种公共服务，我们决定简要介绍一下，这些世界上超能力最强的动物。而且据我们所知，这些家伙都不在濒危物种名单上。虽然有其它像本文这样散布恐惧的文章，再加上松懈的枪支监管条例，我们可以把它们赶上名单。如果我们不这样做的话，那么我们人类也只配生活在笼子里，每天靠看看色情杂志刺激的交配活动来打发时间，就像大自然中的淘汰者，熊猫一样。

现在公布超能力排名:

排名第八的动物: 壁虎

能力: 强力攀登

原理: 当它们不用英国口音来兜售汽车保险时，壁虎们就花时间改用专门装备在光滑墙面上一溜小跑地继续工作。当然我们在这里讨论的，可不是那些用蜗牛粪便之类的黏性分泌物来做到这点。在壁虎的脚趾上，每平方毫米就包含1.4万根称之为棘毛的细小毛发，每根毛约有500个如同微型铲刀样的分叉，每个分叉的粗细竟小于可见光的波长。利用这些肉眼不可见的、原子级大小的纤维组织，壁虎能够利用分子之间相互作用的范德华力，并能在除了特氟隆（今夕注1）以外任意一种表面攀爬。它们的抓力是如此强大，如果全力以赴，一个成年壁虎能够举起290磅的东西。在这方面要注意的重点是，我们勇敢的男女士兵们，体重几乎没几个达到 290磅的。这让他们成为了神出鬼没的壁虎小队的首选目标。

同类: 蜘蛛侠、人蝇、丹·奥斯蒙德。
额外能力: 可以舔自己的眼球，受到威胁时喷出粪便。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 让士兵们配上最新特氟隆技术的紧身衣裤。

排名第七的动物: 放屁虫

能力: 能量爆炸

原理: 一些动物能喷出墨水、恶臭物质、粪便。但是，如果技止于此，那么除了被玷污的衣服、淋上的番茄酱浴、或是被社会排斥外就不用担心其它事了。然而，对放屁虫来说，一旦感到威胁就会在身体中产生化学反，就能在冲突中实现瞬间喷射70余次，时刻刷新放屁排行榜。简言之，它随身携带着凝固汽油弹。我们甚至不需要解释，这会对我国居民和草纸行业产生怎样的威胁。

同类: 我曾跟在一群蒂华纳辣椒犬后面整整一晚上。

额外能力: 在童话书中担任主角，旨在对抗进化论。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 用装满Ｘ气体的盒子来阻断这种甲虫的天然食物来源。

排名第六的动物: 鸭嘴兽

能力: 电磁定位

原理: 先试试你的感官能力。如果你走运的话，你可以抬起一只手，让五指张开去感觉一下胜利。如果你不那么走运，一出生就会有先天残废，或是在车祸中撞掉你三四个指头，要么你的手是在酒吧斗争中被整个砍断。但如果你是一只鸭嘴兽的话，你就能竖起6根中指，当然接下来就会死在在女童子军手里、或是因为恶意挑衅被吊死。鸭嘴兽是单孔目动物（剩下的另一种是针鼹，当我们吃到一块混沌翡翠(今夕注2)之后就会知道它的无敌），这是一种天赋的第六感，有电磁感应能力的哺乳动物，能感觉到肌肉收缩而产生的电场。这就意味着你一噘屁股，它们就知道你会干啥。即使一只又聋又瞎、嗅觉失灵的鸭嘴兽也知道你在那里，醉醺醺还带着大铁棍，它和针鼹哥们这就来找你。

同类: 夜魔侠，雷达奥赖利，侏罗纪公园厨房里的那条迅猛龙。

额外能力: 脚上有毒爪，会下蛋，并对所有的进化和自然法则残忍嘲弄。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 施展魅力，让它们相信“保护栖息地”是在电笼里。

排名第五的动物: 蜂鸟

能力: 超级速度

原理: 蜂鸟做什么事都很快。它们的新陈代谢是除某些昆虫外最快的，每秒心跳有1260次，每秒翅膀拍打70次。速度有多快？想想我们的校车上带着运载火箭是什么样子就行。最令人难以置信的是，在如此高速下，蜂鸟还是唯一能够在空中悬停、甚至倒飞的动物。我们人类唯一能与它们匹敌的飞行器只有直升机了，当然喝花蜜这点是没得比了。如果恐怖分子决定设计制造蜂鸟手枪的话，我们将深陷无处不在的子弹漩涡中。

同类: 除了这家伙就没别人了。

额外能力: 一条分叉的舌头,食品不够了还能冬眠，加上曾被观察到不眠不休、不吃不喝连飞500公里。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 由于飞行速度太快，蜂鸟每天要吃自己体重5倍的花蜜。毁掉所有花朵，这样我们就能把这些小混蛋送上西天了。

排名第四的动物: 射水鱼

能力: 精准射击

原理: 在印度和波利尼西亚，射水鱼的主食是昆虫。但和我们平时看到的鱼不一样，它可不是什么遵纪守法、守株待兔的家伙。射水鱼用它那专门进化的下颚喷出一条15 尺长的水柱，专敲那些蠢虫的闷棍。它们都是熟练的神射手，它们可以自己调整光的折射，然后一口水打下离水面6尺以上的虫子。这太好了，它们只对付虫子；就让这些动物自相残杀吧，我们都这样想的吧。不过，在我们的孩子被这些致命的狙击手干掉前，还能让孩子们在波利尼西亚河流域玩多久呢？

同类: 专业杀手莱昂，西莫.海亚，露舍利的罗宾汉（今夕注3）。

额外能力: 良好的公关关系让两艘美国潜艇以它命名。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 污染世界上某些河流，可能会让它们的视线模糊一点。赶快动手。

排名第三的动物: 环尾猫

能力: 灵活敏捷

原理: 普通家猫已经够恐怖了: 利爪、邪眼、内部的“平衡系统”；而且可以保证，不管把它从多高的建筑物上扔下来也死不了，你能得到的最好结果也只是这猫四腿骨折而已。再来看看环尾猫，它居然可以倒退爬下一条摇晃的管道。环尾猫能把“猫一样的灵活敏捷”发挥到一种近乎荒谬的程度，它们甚至在细树枝上侧手翻，只是为了转个方向而已，它们还能把脚旋转180度，甚至是在岩壁两边来回弹跳着向上攀爬。天哪，它们不仅比我们敏捷得多，还让我们看上去很愚蠢。有报道说俄罗斯正忙于招募环尾猫参加 2012年室内体操赛。就这样，邪眼的魔力更胜往昔（今夕注，魔戒里的话）。

同类: “刺客信条”里的阿泰尔，山姆·费雪，肖恩·约翰逊（今夕注4）.

额外能力: 环尾猫是杂食动物。现在，我们不想过分惊吓任何人，但您知道么“杂食性”如果直译就是“什么都吃”！

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 在全国范围内的"杆上涂油"运动。

排名第二的动物: 鮟鱇鱼

能力: 死后受孕

原理: 即使在海底进行地毯式轰炸也不可能完全消灭这些东西（虽然这算是个不错的开始）。有些特别难对付的鮟鱇鱼甚至可以在死后怀孕。当它们中的雄性发现雌性后，会像我们人类一样大献殷勤: 轻咬她的皮肤，分泌一种神秘的酶，把自己的嘴唇和她部分身体溶解，让自己的身体成为一条食管永久附着在伴侣身上。管子的另一头是性腺，由雌性决定何时将宝贵的生命种子释放到她体内。这就相当于男人总会在前女友哪里留上点什么东西，以便“她以后需要我”时就能……（今夕注，这几段有点Ａ，意思反正是到了）

同类: 每一个“不小心”在前女友那儿留下些东西，然后以找回为借口约会的男生。

额外能力: 脑袋上长着发光诱饵，能适应深海压力，伪装术。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 大量供应避孕药（事后丸）。

排名第一的动物: 章鱼

能力: 每件麻烦事它都有份

原理: 除了棕皮人（今夕注5）以外，对国家安全最危险的家伙就属它了。它们算是世界上最聪明的无脊椎动物，而且还能自断触手、喷射墨汁、以完美的节奏顺着水流活动，能挤过不比二角五分硬币大多少的空间，并能变色以融入周围环境。由于超能力多到离谱，目前生物学研究可以断言: 那可以算是，而且事实上就是，神迹。

同类: 奇幻先生，神奇上尉和龙虾医生。（今夕注6）

额外能力: 事实上它们不太需要额外的能力了，但研究者相信某些章鱼可以用两条腿在陆地上行走，就是看上去好像一只椰子。所以，下次你做果汁混合酒时，先调味后说话，免得顺手把章鱼加进去。

如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段: 如果章鱼真开始攻击了，我们到时候也做不了什么。最好的计划就是将地球变成核地狱吧，让文明重新起源吧。反正，如果运气好的话，辐射后的突变体应该不会太强大或是太丑陋吧。