Some of the most deflating moments I've experienced in social situations are when people have told me I was being quiet. There I was, thinking I was doing fine with everyone, but nope, they actually saw me in an entirely different way.

    When you think about it, it's not the end of the world to be called quiet. It's not like people think you're a horrible person, just that they wished you showed what your personality was about and contributed to the conversation more. You could also be at peace with the fact that you're not a huge talker. Finally, among good friends, it's fine to sit back at times.

    Still, sometimes you want to make a good impression with everyone and seem like you're interested in the rest of the group. Especially when you've just met some new people, it's usually better to lean towards the outgoing end of the scale. Getting that 'quiet' label often works against those plans. Here are some simple strategies I came up with that help me be less quiet and come up with things to say:

    Tell yourself that you have to say something every so often

    When you don't speak up and chime into the conversation enough, you may be seen as quiet. One thing that works for me is to make an explicit rule in my head that I have to say something at least every few minutes, preferably more. If not, I know people may perceive me as quiet. It seems basic, but when I spell it out to myself like this, it forces me to continually try to add new points to the discussion. Before realizing this, I'd hang back and listen to everyone, and take everything in, but sometimes go ten minutes or more without uttering a word. Or I'd get lost in my head and get distracted by my own thoughts and daydreams. You can't do that. You have to talk more often than it feels like you do. Consciously knowing this helps you do it.

    When you're new to a group of people who all know each other, this rule especially applies. The onus is often on you to get yourself into their conversation. They may all be comfortable with each other, and benignly neglect to actively include you.

    Elaborate on the things you have to say

    If it's your turn to talk, instead of saying "Fine" or "Good" or "Yeah", flesh out your answer. Give your opinion. Go into detail about you did on the weekend. Say more about the TV show you just mentioned. Without rambling on, try to stretch out your turn to speak. Sometimes when I catch myself not knowing what to say, I'll realize I can just go into more detail about the material I already put out there. If you really want to get fancy, see how entertaining or intriguing you can make your expanded statements.

    Don't filter yourself too much when trying to think of something to say

    Often when I feel like I can't think of anything to say, there are actually lots of potential conversation topics passing through my mind. But instead of going with them, I nix them for one reason or another; "No, I can't say that. It's too boring.", "No, that's too out of the blue.", "Oh, I'm kind of nervous saying that, though I couldn't tell you why." Instead of censoring yourself too much, just spit out some of the ideas passing through your mind.

    Don't fret too much about saying generic things

    I've read a lot of advice telling me not to bore people with cliched, unoriginal conversation topics. This has sunk in so much that sometimes I'll find myself paralyzed in social situations. I'll meet someone new and not say anything to them because I think it's a huge faux pas to ask them something uninspired, like where they work.

    Just say this stuff anyways. Something is better than nothing. Often, dull questions like, "What do you do for fun?", or "Seen any good movies lately?" get the ball rolling. Soon enough you're talking about something more interesting. They can be a necessary evil, a reliable, if tiresome, fallback. When people ask me questions I've heard to answer a million times before, I'm not always crazy about it, but don't hold it against them either. Ideally you can avoid boring topics, but if you can't think of anything else to say, then go with them as opposed to be quiet.

    Pay attention and keep up with the conversation going on around you

    Put this one under "Basic concepts I used to not always follow." It's always easier to come up with things to say when you really follow along with what everyone else is saying. It's much more likely that something relevant you can add will pop into your head. Before I was a lot more likely to zone out and disappear into my head. Conversations can also be a bit annoying to follow at times, like if everyone is talking at once, or if the environment is loud. Sometimes it feels easier to give up and not devote your full attention to it. I find it's usually worth the effort to keep engaged. It's also something you can get used to if you initially find it difficult.

    Learn the unwritten rules of loud, lively conversations

    I have an easier time holding my own in smaller, orderly groups. When you add more people to the mix, and everyone starts talking at once, I have a harder time putting in my two cents. A lot of people probably experience the same thing. If you haven't seen it already, I wrote another article about just this topic:

    Take the lead in the conversation if it's not going your way

    Often I'll be quiet because the people I'm with are discussing something where I have zero to add, usually because I know nothing about the topic. If that goes on too long, then I'm suddenly the quiet one. If the conversation isn't going your way, try to take the lead and switch it to an area where you'll naturally have more to talk about.

    More generally, if the other people are talking among themselves, and aren't making an effort in include you, you should take the initiative and try to work your way in there. There's no rule that says you politely have to wait for someone to directly address you and ask your opinion on something.

    Sometimes you just can't come up with something to say

    These tips continue to help me, but at times my mind draws a blank. When you can't think of something to say, it's often due to shyness and inhibition interfering with your ability to think freely, and reducing these feelings is easier said than done. You can't just logically reason anxious feelings away. Sometimes the shy feelings are temporary and you can ride them out. At other times you feel shy all night and that outing is a write off.

    The other usual explanation is when you honestly have nothing to contribute to the conversation （e.g., everyone is talking about old friends they have in common）, and it's not appropriate to try and suddenly change it. But here everyone should at least understand that you can't be expected to be too chatty. Try to say something though when the topic changes.

    If you do come off as quiet, do better next time

    It's not unusual for someone to be a little tongue-tied around a new group of people. If you do better next time, then people will often forget their first impression of you. They'll realize you aren't a snob after all, or that you aren't meek and boring, and that you're actually a pretty interesting person to have around.

    我经历的一些备受打击的时刻，是在某些社交情境中，别人对我说我怎么一直都这么沉闷。本来我待在那里，自我感觉和每个人都处得挺好。可是，他们却从一个完全不同的角度看待我。

    仔细想想，被当成"沉默的人"其实也不是世界末日。这不像人们认为你是可怕的人，这只是意味着他们希望你能主动展现你的个性，更多地参与讨论。你也可以心平气和地接受你并不健谈这一事实。说到头，在朋友当中静静聆听有时也是很好的。

    然而，有时你想给他人留下好印象，或者想要表现你对团体中其他成员的兴趣。尤其当你刚刚认识一些人时，通常是将天平倾向"外向"的一端更好。被贴上"沉闷"的标签对此有害无益。而以下是我自个想出来的一些简单的对策，它们帮助我不再沉默寡言，能够想出可说的话来。

    提醒自己必须不时说些什么

    当你不大胆说话、积极参与到谈话中，你就可能被看作是沉默的人。对我挺有效的一条是，在脑子里树立一个明晰的条例，规定我必须至少每隔几分钟说几句话，或者更多。如果没做到，我明白人们就会觉得我沉闷。这看起来很初级，但当我亲口对自己这样说，就能迫使我自己不断地尝试为当前的讨论加点料。在认识到这一点之前，我畏缩不前，倾听每个人的高谈阔论，接纳他们所说的一切，有时连续十分钟（甚至更久）一言不发。或者，我在自己的脑海里迷了路，被我自己的思绪和浮想搅得心神不宁。你不能那样。你要更频繁地开口，而不是在思绪翩翩中自我感觉良好。有意识地明确这一点能帮助你开口。

    当你走近彼此都已相识的一群人时，这条规律尤其适用。因为，参加他们谈话的义务通常在你。他们可能相处融洽，互感亲切而忘记了对方的存在，同时却也忽视了你。

    详细展开你要说的东西

    如果轮到你开口了，不是要你说"好"或"对"或"是的",给点有血有肉的答案。说说你的看法。详述你上个周末的壮举。详细点说说你刚才提到的电视节目。不要东拉西扯，直截了当地抓住你的说话机会。有时当我发现自己不知道说什么好了，我意识到我可以再详细说说刚才我已经说到过的素材。如果你真心想要来点新奇的，试试看你能把你扩展开的陈述表达得多么引人入胜。

    构思说话内容时，不要过度地自我审查

    通常情况下，当我觉得我实在想不出有什么可说，其实还是有很多潜在的话题从我脑海中穿过。但是，我并未开口，我出于这样或那样的原因把它们扼杀了，"不，我不能说这个。它太无聊了。""不行，那太耸人听闻。","哦，说这个我会有点紧张，不知道是为什么。"这样自我审查就太苛刻了，还是把你脑子里一闪而过的想法一吐为快吧。

    不必担心自己的话语平淡无奇

    我曾经读过很多建议，它们告诉我，不要拿味如鸡肋，陈词滥调的话题来让人觉得无聊。这个说法渗入我内心之深，以至于有时我发现自己在社交场合形同瘫痪。我会新认识一些人，却不打算和他们说点什么。因为我认为，如果我说了什么让他们觉得毫无触动的东西，就是巨大的失礼，例如，询问他们在哪里工作。

    就在一般意义上说说这件事吧。有，总是聊胜于无。通常，愚蠢的问题，如"你喜欢做什么？",或"最近看过什么好电影？"就能引起话题。很快你们就会转而谈论一些更有趣的东西了。愚蠢的话题不好，却又缺之不可，就算很无聊，也是一种稳定可靠的后备方案。当人们问一个我已经答了一百万次的问题，我未必不觉得要发疯，但是我也不会怪罪他们。在理想的情况下，你可以避免涉及无聊的话题，但是如果你想不出什么别的话来，那就用它们吧，以免冷场。

    留神并跟上你周围的谈话

    请将这一条放在"基本法则，但我并未时刻遵循"的名目下。当你把握了别人所说的每句话时，想出一些可以说的话通常就简单多了。这时就仿佛有一些切题的话语在你的脑子里自动弹出。之前，我更倾向于走神，并最终迷失在我的脑海里。而跟上别人的谈话有时也有点麻烦，如所有人同时在说话，或者环境声太嘈杂。这时让人觉得，与其投入充分的精力来注意它，放弃是更容易的。然而我发现始终跟上谈话是值得的。这也是你能习惯的一点，就算你开始觉得很难。

    学习大声地、有生气地谈话的不成文法则

    我在小规模、中规中矩的团体里更觉得自在。当更多的人加入进来，七嘴八舌地交谈，我立刻就觉得难以插嘴。可能有很多人在经历着同样的事情。如果你还没看过，我其实写了篇专题讨论这个话题的文章：怎样在吵闹，疯狂的集体谈话中做得更好。

    控制谈话的方向，如果它偏离了你的轨道

    经常，我保持沉默是因为同处的人们正在讨论我觉得无话可说的东西，这往往因为我对这个话题一无所知。如果这持续得太久了，我就突兀地成了沉闷的人。如果谈话没在你的轨道上，尝试引导和切换到一个领域，你自然会有更多的话要说。

    更一般地，如果其他人在彼此说话，却不打算把你包括在内的时候，你应该采取主动，努力把自己放进去。并没有规定说，你必须礼貌地等待，直到有人来点你的名问你对某事的意见。

    有时，你就是无话可说了

    这些小贴士一直在帮助我，然而有时我的大脑仍旧会一片空白。当你无话可说，它往往是由于羞涩和压抑感干扰了你自由地思考，而避免这些情感是说起来容易做起来难。你无法光靠逻辑思考来劝退焦虑的情绪。有时这种害羞的感觉是临时的，你可以驱散他们。在其他时候，你羞涩无语通宵达旦，而集体郊游转瞬即逝。

    其他常见的解释是：你确确实实拿不出能为谈话作出贡献的东西（例如，大家伙在谈论他们所共有的老朋友）,而这时试图突然岔开话题又是不合适的。可是在这种情况下，每一个人至少都明白，不能期望你有太多话可说。所以，一旦话题变化，就试着说些什么吧。

    如果你被人看作沉默的人，下次做好些就行

    面对一群新认识的人显得被绑住了舌头，这样的事并不少见。如果你下次做得更好些，那么人们通常会忘记对你的第一印象。他们会知道你不是一个势利小人，你也不是索然无味之辈，事实上，身边的你真的是很有趣的一个人。