I had always been a chubby boy, yet I was also a fussy eater. At meal times I would never finish what Mum cooked. By the age of 13, I had become self-conscious about the way I looked, and compared myself with others. I became besotted with a girl in my class - I wanted to look good for her -and I began to exercise obsessively. Then I started restricting foods that I deemed unhealthy. Initially, I looked great; I lost the chubbiness and was fit. And on my 14th birthday, I even got a kiss from the girl I longed for.

    However, anorexia was already taking hold. I remember thinking that if this is what happens when I lose a little weight, imagine what will happen when I lose more. I cut out whole meals till I was getting through the day on nothing but an apple. I enjoyed the feeling of hunger and was so preoccupied that I ceased to care about the girl. This was no longer about being attractive.

    Anorexia wasn't as well documented as it is now, and it was associated only with teenage girls and models. However, months were passing and the weight was dropping fast. Dad was convinced I was on drugs and Mum would break down in tears, pleading with me to eat more. I became expert at deceiving her: potatoes in the plant pots, chocolate hidden down the back of the sofa, slices of toast in my desk drawer.

    She'd weigh me daily and I'd make sure I stuffed my pockets to add a few extra pounds - I'd go back later to check my real weight. Because I was living a lie, I became a loner. I lost touch with my friends and at weekends I would wander the high street. I'd go into bookshops and engross myself in diet books - and cookbooks. All I could think about was food and reading recipes made up for my lack of eating.

    The truth is I knew I was grotesquely thin, yet I would stand in front of the mirror and see a fat person staring back. I was trapped inside my own body - I wanted to get help, but my brain wouldn't let me. This physical and psychological battle is why anorexia is so deadly. I contemplated suicide numerous times. I once went into Boots and asked about sleeping tablets, and I nearly threw myself out of the car during a particularly impassioned row with Mum.

    At 15, I weighed just over five stone. I had no toenails - they had dropped off from decay. My skin had turned yellow and my teeth had decayed from the acid in the fruit I was living on. One of the turning points for me was when Mum came into my room one morning to wake me up and said the room smelled of rot. I was literally wasting away in my bed. Even as an anorexic I knew this was bad, and I had to do something.

    I was determined not to go into hospital for treatment. I never wanted to admit the extent of my illness, so I learned to get better by myself. I started to retrain my brain, telling myself that it was OK to eat, that putting on weight wouldn't make me fat. I slowly started to add extra food to my diet and it was incredible how quickly I regained weight, especially on my face. My body just clung on to anything I put inside me. It was a painful physical recovery. I hit 10 stone at the age of 21 and finally felt at ease with myself.

    I often find it funny that I chose to become an actor, a profession in which your appearance is constantly being judged. It's hard not to compare yourself with other actors, and there's always pressure to change who you are to fit a certain mould. However, in a strange way, it has helped me. At my worst I used acting as a way to escape. I could be anybody on stage, and for that short time I wasn't anorexic.

    I am 24 now, and still recovering. I recently suffered a relapse, triggered by losing weight while performing a very physically demanding play. This is the legacy of anorexia - it leaves an imprint on your brain. It's there when I decide what to have for dinner, and it's there when I decide to go for a run. Everything I do involves my eating disorder. However, I'm older and wiser, and can take action when I know things are going too far. I know where I've been, and I don't want to go back there. I have so many ambitions, and won't let the past stop me fulfilling them.

    我以前一直是个胖乎乎的孩子，但我吃东西却非常挑剔。吃饭时，妈妈做的饭菜总是被我剩下。到了13岁，我开始留意自己的外表，并且把自己和其他人进行比较。我迷恋上了班里的一个女孩--我希望在她面前有个好形象，于是开始强迫性地锻炼。然后我开始限制饮食，不吃那些我认为不健康的食物。起初我看起来很棒--我不那么胖了，身材很好。14岁生日那天，我甚至得到了心仪女孩的亲吻。

    然而，那时我已经得上了厌食症。记得我当时的想法是：如果我瘦了一点儿就得到这个回报，那么再瘦下去的话又会发生什么呢？我开始不吃饭，直到一整天只吃一个苹果。我很享受饥饿感，我全神贯注于这种感觉，以致不再关心那个女孩。这时我的节食已经和让自己更有吸引力无关了。

    那时关于厌食症的资料还不像现在这么多，而且它只与青春期女孩和模特相联系。然而，日子一天天过去，我的体重迅速下降。爸爸认为我一定在吸毒，妈妈流着泪恳求我多吃点。我变得精于欺骗她：把土豆放在花盆里，巧克力藏在沙发后面，烤面包片塞进书桌抽屉里。

    她每天都给我称体重，我必须确保在口袋里塞满东西，以增加几磅重量--过一会儿我会回去称我的真实体重。由于我在谎言中生活，我成了一个孤独的人。我和朋友们失去了联系，周末在繁华的大街上独自游荡。我走进书店，聚精会神地读关于饮食的书--以及食谱。我所有的念头就是食物，而读食谱弥补了我食物摄入的不足。

    事实是我知道自己已经瘦得不正常，但每次站在镜子前，我仍然看见一个胖子在盯着我。我被困在自己的身体里--我想求助，但我的大脑不允许。厌食症的致命之处就是这种生理和心理的搏斗。我无数次想到自杀。有一次我走进Boots商店，问他们有没有安眠药。还有一次，我和妈妈发生了特别激烈的争吵，当时我差点从车里跳出去。

    15岁时，我的体重刚刚超过5英石（译注：即70磅，约等于31.75公斤）.我没有脚趾甲--它们由于衰退而脱落了。我的皮肤变黄了。由于长期以水果为食，我的牙齿被酸所腐蚀。我的一个转折点发生在一天早上，妈妈走进我的房间把我叫醒，说房间里有腐烂的气味。我当时简直就是日益衰弱地躺在床上。即使作为厌食症患者，我也知道这样很糟糕，我必须做些什么了。

    我决定不去医院治疗。我从来不愿承认自己病情的严重性，所以我学着自己好转起来。我开始重新训练自己的大脑，告诉自己吃东西没什么不好，增加体重并不会使我变成胖子。我慢慢开始增加食量，以令人难以置信的速度恢复了体重，尤其是我的面部。不管吃什么，我的身体都会迅速吸收。这是一个痛苦的生理恢复过程。21岁时，我的体重达到了10英石，我终于能够从容地面对自己了。

    我常常觉得很好笑：我选择了做演员，这种职业决定了不断有人对你的外表评头品足。你很难不把自己和其他演员作比较，而且经常感到压力，要求你改变原来的样子，把自己套进某个模子里。然而这却以一种奇怪的方式帮助了我。在我感觉最糟糕的时候，我靠表演来逃避。在舞台上，我可以成为任何人；在这段短暂的时间里，我不是厌食症患者。

    现在我24岁，还在恢复的过程中。最近我有一次复发，起因是我要为了演一出对身体要求很高的戏而减肥。这是厌食症的后遗症--它在你的大脑上留下印记。当我决定晚餐吃什么或者决定去跑步时，它就发挥了作用。我所做的一切都和我的进食障碍有关。但我现在年龄更大，更聪明了，当我发现事情过了头时，我就会采取行动。我知道自己曾经是什么样，我不想再退回那一步。我有很多理想，不会让过去的经历阻止我实现理想的脚步。