Earlier this year, I wrote about teaching empathy, and whether you are a parent who does so. The idea behind it is from Richard Weissbourd, a Harvard psychologist with the graduate school of education, who runs the Making Caring Common project, aimed to help teach kids to be kind.

I know, you’d think they are or that parents are teaching that themselves, right? Not so, according to a new study released by the group. (Chat with Weissbourd here.)

About 80 percent of the youth in the study said their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree that “My parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.”

Weissbourd and his cohorts have come up with recommendations about how to raise children to become caring, respectful and responsible adults. Why is this important? Because if we want our children to be moral people, we have to, well, raise them that way.

“Children are not born simply good or bad and we should never give up on them. They need adults who will help them become caring, respectful, and responsible for their communities at every stage of their childhood,” the researchers write.

The five strategies to raise moral, caring children, according to Making Caring Common:

1. Make caring for others a priority

Why? Parents tend to prioritize their children’s happiness and achievements over their children’s concern for others. But children need to learn to balance their needs with the needs of others, whether it’s passing the ball to a teammate or deciding to stand up for friend who is being bullied.
How? Children need to hear from parents that caring for others is a top priority. A big part of that is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, even if it makes them unhappy. For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
Try this
• Instead of saying to your kids: “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” say “The most important thing is that you’re kind.”
• Make sure that your older children always address others respectfully, even when they’re tired, distracted, or angry.
• Emphasize caring when you interact with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers whether your children are good community members at school.

2. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Why? It’s never too late to become a good person, but it won’t happen on its own. Children need to practice caring for others and expressing gratitude for those who care for them and contribute to others’ lives. Studies show that people who are in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving—and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy.
How? Learning to be caring is like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition—whether it’s a helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, or having a classroom job—make caring second nature and develop and hone youth’s caregiving capacities. Learning gratitude similarly involves regularly practicing it.
Try this
• Don’t reward your child for every act of helpfulness, such as clearing the dinner table. We should expect our kids to help around the house, with siblings, and with neighbors and only reward uncommon acts of kindness.
• Talk to your child about caring and uncaring acts they see on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news.
• Make gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Express thanks for those who contribute to us and others in large and small ways.

3. Expand your child’s circle of concern.
Why? Almost all children care about a small circle of their families and friends. Our challenge is help our children learn to care about someone outside that circle, such as the new kid in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country.
How? Children need to learn to zoom in, by listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, by taking in the big picture and considering the many perspectives of the people they interact with daily, including those who are vulnerable. They also need to consider how their
decisions, such as quitting a sports team or a band, can ripple out and harm various members of their communities. Especially in our more global world, children need to develop concern for people who live in very different cultures and communities than their own.
Try this
• Make sure your children are friendly and grateful with all the people in their daily lives, such as a bus driver or a waitress.
• Encourage children to care for those who are vulnerable. Give children some simple ideas for stepping into the “caring and courage zone,” like comforting a classmate who was teased.
• Use a newspaper or TV story to encourage your child to think about hardships faced by children in another country.

4. Be a strong moral role model and mentor.
Why? Children learn ethical values by watching the actions of adults they respect. They also learn values by thinking through ethical dilemmas with adults, e.g. “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?”
How? Being a moral role model and mentor means that we need to practice honesty, fairness, and caring ourselves. But it doesn’t mean being perfect all the time. For our children to respect and trust us, we need to acknowledge our mistakes and flaws. We also need to respect children’s thinking and listen
to their perspectives, demonstrating to them how we want them to engage others.
Try this:
• Model caring for others by doing community service at least once a month. Even better, do this service with your child.
• Give your child an ethical dilemma at dinner or ask your child about dilemmas they’ve faced.

5. Guide children in managing destructive feelings
Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings.
How? We need to teach children that all feelings are okay, but some ways of dealing with them are not helpful. Children need our help learning to cope with these feelings in productive ways.
Try this
Here’s a simple way to teach your kids to calm down: ask your child to stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Practice when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them with her. After a while she’ll start to do it on her own so that she can express her feelings in a helpful and appropriate way.


参考译文：
    今年早些时候，我写了一篇《教孩子具有同情心》的文章。文章的核心观点是出自Richard Weissbourd，他是哈佛大学的心理学家，拥有教育学硕士学位。他还在运营着旨在帮助教育孩子善良成长的“大众关爱”（Making Caring Common）项目。

我知道你会觉得父母们肯定教孩子成为一个善良的人，是吧？可是Richard的研究小组最新的研究表明，并不是这样。

在研究中，大约有80%的青少年承认他们的父母更关心他们的成绩或者是幸福，但很少过问他们是否关爱他们。受访者们更同意“相比于我关心同学，我的父母更因我取得了好成绩而自豪”的这种说法。

Weissbourd和他的同事为如何教育孩子成长为关爱他人、礼貌负责的人提供了一些建议。为什么这件事如此重要呢？因为如果我们想要让孩子成为一个品行端正的人，我们就必须这么做。

研究人员写到：“孩子们并不是生来就能断定他是个好人还是坏人，我们从不应该放弃教育他们。他们需要在成年人的帮助下，在童年中不断成长为关爱他人、知书达理又有责任心的人。”

“大众关爱”项目对教育品行端正、关爱他人的孩子提出了五点建议：

1. 把关爱他人放在第一位

为什么？父母总是把孩子的幸福和成绩置于孩子关爱他人之前。但孩子需要学会满足他人的需求，不论是传球给队友还是决定帮助受欺负的朋友。

怎么办？孩子们需要从父母那儿得到关爱他人是摆在第一位的。那么最主要的就是要对孩子有着很高的道德期望值，比如信守有时并不是很愉快地承诺。举个例子来说，在孩子退出球队或乐队，甚至是一段友谊之前，我们要让他们考虑一下自己对集体或朋友之间的责任，并鼓励他们在退出之前解决问题。

试一试

• 不要再说”最重要的是你要开心“这样的话了，而是应该说”最重要的是你要成为一个善良的人。“
   
• 确保长子即使在疲惫、注意力不集中或是生气的时候也能礼貌待人。
   
• 在和其他大人接触的时候要强调关爱他人。比如去问问老师，你的孩子是否能在学校里关爱他人。、

2. 提供给孩子亲自关爱他人和表达感谢的机会

为什么？成为好人从来都不晚，只要你去做。孩子需要亲自去关心他人，并对他人的关心表达感谢。研究表明拥有表达感谢习惯的人更乐于助人、更慷慨、更富有同情心，也更容易原谅他人——他们也更快乐和健康。

怎么办？学习关爱他人就如同学习一项运动或是某种乐器一样。每天不断地练习——不论是辅导朋友功课还是做家务，亦或是在班级中担任职务——让关爱他人成为一种习惯，并不断锻炼青少年照顾他人的能力。学习感恩也需要不断练习。

试一试

• 不要奖励孩子的每一次帮助行为，比如收拾餐桌。我们希望孩子们能和兄弟姐们或是邻居一起做家务，奖励他们的那些不同寻常的善良举动。
   
• 和你的孩子聊聊在电视上看到的那些关爱他人和置他人于不顾的行为，还有他们亲眼看到的或是在新闻中看到的正义和非正义的举动。
   
• 让感恩成为一种日常习惯，不论是在晚餐时间、睡前还是在汽车里，在地铁上。对那些在或大或小方面帮助过我们的人表达感谢。
   

3. 让孩子学会帮助更多的人

为什么？大多数孩子只会关心他们的家人和朋友。我们需要帮助孩子去学会关爱更多的人，比如班里的新同学，不会说当地语言的人，学校管理人员或者异乡人。

怎么办？孩子们需要学会拉近镜头，倾听和照顾他的”小圈子“，同时也要学会拉远镜头，学会考虑他们每天接触的那些人的多个方面，包括那些脆弱的人。他们需要考虑一下自己的决定，比如退出球队或乐队，是如何波及以及伤害团队中的成员们的。尤其是在我们这个全球化的社会中，孩子越来越需要关心文化背景和自己完全不同的那些人。

试一试

• 让孩子一定要友善并感谢日常生活中的所有人，比如巴士司机和服务生。
   
• 鼓励孩子关注那些脆弱的人。给孩子一些简单的建议，帮助他进入“关怀鼓励地带”，比如安慰一个哭泣的同学。
   
• 用报纸或电视上的故事来鼓励孩子思考其他国家孩子面临的困难。
   

4.成为一名强大的道德模范和导师

为什么？孩子容易从他们崇拜的大人身上学习道德准则。他们也会从不断思考道德两难的问题上学习。比如，“如果我最好的朋友不喜欢我的新邻居，我是否还应该邀请新邻居来参加我的生日聚会？”

怎么办？如果我们想成为道德模范的话，这就意味着我们要诚实、正直并且自尊自爱。但这不意味着完美无缺。正因为孩子们崇拜和信任我们，我们也需要承认自己的过错和缺点。我们也需要尊重孩子的思想，倾听他们的观点，向他们表明我们多么希望他们也能够去鼓励他人。

试一试

• 模范会每月至少做一次社区服务。如果能和你的孩子一起做那就更好了。
   
• 让孩子在餐桌上思考道德困境，或是问问他们有没有遇到过这类问题。