Every family is different, with different personalities, customs, and ways of thinking, talking, and connecting to one another. There is no one "right" kind of family. But whether parents are strict or lenient, boisterous or calm, home has to be a place of love, encouragement, and acceptance of their feelings and individuality for kids to feel emotionally safe and secure. It also has to be a source of don'ts and limits.

    Most of us want such an atmosphere to prevail in our homes, but with today's stresses this often seems harder and harder to achieve. From time to time it helps to take stock and think about the changes we could make to improve our home's emotional climate. Here are a few that will.

    1. Watch What You Say
    How we talk to our children every day is part of the emotional atmosphere we weave. Besides giving them opportunities to be open about how they feel, we have to watch what we say and how we say it.

    We often forget how much kids take parental criticisms to heart and how much these affect their feelings about themselves. Psychologist Martin Seligman found that when parents consistently blame kids in exaggerated ways, children feel overly guilty and ashamed and withdraw emotionally. Look at the difference between "Roger, this room is always a pigsty! You are such a slob!" and "Roger, your room is a mess today! Before you go out to play, it has to be picked up."

    One way tells Roger he can never do anything right. The other tells him exactly what to do to fix things so he can be back in his mom's good graces and doesn't suggest he has a permanent character flaw. For criticism to be constructive for children, we have to cite causes that are specific and temporary.

    Another constructive way to criticize children is to remind them of the impact their actions have on us. This promotes empathy rather than resentment.

    2. Provide Order and Stability
    A predictable daily framework, clear and consistent rules, and an organized house make kids -- and parents -- more relaxed and comfortable, and that means everyone has emotional equilibrium. When conflicts, tensions, or crises occur, the routine is a reassuring and familiar support, a reliable strand of our lives that won't change.

    Think about your mornings. Do your kids go off to school feeling calm and confident? Or are they upset and grumpy?

    What about evenings and bedtime? Do you have angry fights over homework or how much TV children can watch? A calm bedtime routine is one good antidote for the dark fears that surface when kids are alone in bed with the lights turned out.

    Yet a routine that's too inflexible doesn't make room for kids' individual temperaments, preferences, and quirks.
    Make Quality Time a Priority

    3. Hold Family Meetings
    Time together is at such a premium in most households that many families, like the Martins, hold regular family meetings so everyone can air and resolve the week's grievances as well as share the good things that happened.

    When the Martins gather on Friday night, they also take the opportunity to anticipate what's scheduled for the week ahead. That way they eliminate (mostly!) those last-minute anxieties over whether someone has soccer shoes for the first practice, the books for a report, or a ride to a music lesson.

    4. Encourage Loving Feelings
    Everyday life is full of opportunities to establish loving connections with our kids. Researchers have found that parents who spend time playing, joking with, and sharing their own thoughts and feelings with their kids have children who are more friendly, generous, and loving.

    After all, giving love fosters love, and what convinces our kids that we love them more than our willingness to spend time with them? Many parents say that often they feel most in tune emotionally with their kids when they just hang out together -- sprawling on the bed to watch TV, walking down the block together to mail a letter, talking on long car rides when kids know they have a parent's complete attention. At these times the hurt feelings and the secret fears are finally mentioned.

    Part of encouraging loving feelings is insisting that kids treat others, including siblings, with kindness, respect, and fairness -- at least some of the time. In one family, kids write on a chart in the kitchen at the end of each day the name of someone who did something nice for them.

    5. Create Rituals
    Setting aside special times of the day or week to come together as a family gives children a sense of continuity -- that certain feelings stay the same even as the kids change and grow. For many families, like my friend Frances', that means regularly observing religious rituals. To her family, Sunday morning means going to Mass and having hot chocolate afterwards at the town café. Others create their own rituals to anchor the week. Michael's family celebrates with a regular Scrabble and pizza party every Friday night; Dawn's goes to the movies. Holiday rituals give children points in the year to look forward to.

    6. Handle Challenges With Compassion
    Home life today is not always stable and secure. Even the best marriages have fights, economic woes, emotional ups-and-downs. Parents divorce, stepfamilies form, and these changes challenge the most compassionate parents. But troubles are part of the human condition. Loving families don't ignore them -- they try to create a strong emotional climate despite them.

    In handling parental conflicts, for example, we can let kids know when everything has been resolved, as Denise and Peter did after a loud dispute in the kitchen during which voices were raised and tears flowed. After making up, they explained to their kids, "Sometimes we disagree and lose our tempers, too. But now we've worked it out. We're sorry that you overheard our fight."

    7. Schedule Parent-Only Time
    Parents are the ones who create a home's atmosphere. When we're upset about how much money we owe, worried about downsizing at the company where we work, or angry at a spouse, that charges the emotional atmosphere in ways kids find threatening. As one friend said plaintively, "Parents need special time, too." Taking a long walk together to talk without our kids may go a long way to soothe worries and regular "parent-only" dates help us reexperience the love that brought us together in the first place.

    每个家庭都有不同之处,不同的个性,不同的习惯,不同的思维方式,不同的谈话方式,以及相互间不同的沟通方式。不能说哪一种家庭的生活方式是“正确”的。不过，无论家长严厉还是宽容，暴躁还是文静，家都必须是充满爱、充满鼓励、充满对孩子的情感和个性信任的地方，是让孩子从心理上感到安全可靠的地方。那里还必须有规矩和准则。

    我们大都希望有这样的家庭环境，但是由于面临如今的各种压力，这样的愿望越来越难实现。有时，这种压力有助于让我们考虑到现实状况，并尽可能想办法做些改变，进而改善家庭气氛。下面是几条改善家庭气氛的方法。

    １．注意和孩子说话的方式

    每天和孩子说话的方式是营造情感环境的一部分。此外，要给孩子敞开心扉的机会，就必须选择好要说的话，并注意表达的方式。

    我们常常忽视孩子内心是多么在意家长的批评，忽视这些批评对他们的感情影响有多大。心理学家马丁·塞利格曼发现，当家长总是过份地责备孩子时，孩子们会感到特别内疚，特别惭愧，情绪上就会非常冷漠。请看这两种说话方式的区别： “罗杰，这房间总是像猪窝！你真是个懒汉！”“罗杰，你的房间今天太乱了！你必须收拾好再出去玩！”

    第一种是告诉罗杰他总是什么也做不好。另一种是告诉他到底该怎样整理房间才能让妈妈重新喜欢他，而不会让他感到自己有改不了的品质缺点。为了让批评有益于孩子，我们必须说出具体而有针对性的原因。

    另一种对孩子有益的批评方式是让他们知道他们的行为对我们的影响。这样做能激发同情心而不是怨恨。

    ２．让家里保持整齐

    每天看到家里始终保持干净整齐，井然有序，能让孩子们——和家长们——感到更加轻松愉快，这也意味着大家都有个平静的好心情。每当产生争执、情绪紧张或者发生危机感，秩序井然的家庭就是获得亲人安慰，得到亲人支持，永远不会改变的可依赖的生活港湾。

    想想早晨的情形。你的孩子们去上学的时候，是心情平静，充满信心，还是脾气暴躁，心烦意乱？

    那么晚上和临睡前又怎么样呢？你是否会因作业和看电视的多少和孩子怄气呢？临睡前保持平和心境的习惯，能驱散孩子关灯后独自睡觉时产生的黑暗恐惧心理。

    不过，过于刻板的习惯不利于孩子个人气质、个人兴趣和个人特性的形成。

    优先创造和家人相聚的机会

    3．召开家庭会议

    许多家庭高度重视家人相聚的时光，比如马丁家就定时召开家庭会议，让大家说出一周的烦恼，从而解除烦恼，同时分享快乐。

    马丁一家周五晚上聚在一起的时候，还借机提前安排好下周要做的事情。这样一来，就消除（大部分地）了反复考虑某人是否有参加第一次训练的球鞋，是否有做报告要用的书，或者是否有去听音乐课的车引起的焦虑。

    4．培养爱心

    日常生活中和孩子们建立爱的联系的机会俯拾皆是。研究者发现，家长花时间和孩子一起玩，一起开玩笑，共同分享自己的思想感情，其孩子们会表现的更友好、更宽容，更富爱心。

    总之，献出爱心能培养爱心。还有什么能比我们愿意花时间和他们在一起，更能让孩子们相信我们爱他们？许多家长说，和孩子们一起厮混的时候——趴在床上看电视，一起走过街区去寄信，长途旅行时一路聊着天，感到心情特别好，这时，孩子知道他们得到了家长的全心注意。这些时候，受伤的感觉和隐藏的恐惧就都被说出来了。

    坚持让孩子体贴、尊敬、公平地对待他人，包括兄弟，也是培养爱心的一部分——至少在有些时候。有一个家庭，孩子们每天结束时，都要在厨房的图表上写上为他们做了好事的人的名字。

    5.培养良好的习惯

    确定一天或一周内某一特定时间家人相聚，传给孩子们的是持之以恒的观念 ——即使孩子们长大了，变化了，这种特别的感觉也不会改变。对许多像我的朋友弗朗西丝那样的家庭来说，家人相聚就意味着定期的宗教仪式。对她家来说，星期日上午就是去做弥撒，之后在镇上小餐馆吃热巧克力。其他人家也有自己一周内固定的相聚习惯。迈克尔家每周五晚上都要欢快地玩拼字游戏，吃比萨饼；道恩家去看电影。过节的习惯使孩子们在一年里都有了盼头。

    6．怀着同情心处理争端

    如今的家庭生活不总是稳定而安全的。即使最完美的婚姻也会有争执，有经济困难，有情感的困扰。在父母离婚，有继父（继母）的家庭，这些变化考验着最富同情心的家长。烦恼是人类生活的一部分。充满爱心的家庭不会忽视这一点——尽管有烦恼，他们仍努力创造良好的心理环境。

    在处理父母争执的问题上，比如，当一切问题都解决了的时候，我们可以让孩子们知道，就像德妮丝和彼得在厨房涕泪交流大声争吵之后那样做。他们两人和解之后，对孩子们解释说：“有时我们也会意见不同，发脾气。不过，现在我们已经解决了。很抱歉让你们听到了我们的争吵。”

    7.安排家长独处的时间

    父母是营造家庭气氛的人。当我们为欠了多少钱而烦恼，为就职的公司要裁员而焦虑，或生配偶的气时，就会产生压抑的家庭气氛，使孩子感到威胁。正如一个朋友哀怨地说：“家长也需要独处的时间。”一起散散步，在没孩子的地方谈谈心，有助于缓解焦虑，而固定的“家长独处”日有助于我们重新体验当初使我们走到一起来的爱的感觉。