Do you dread networking events? Wonder about what to say? Do you find there is something uncomfortable or possibly distasteful about the seemingly compulsory exchange of business cards? If so then you probably value sincerity and professionalism. Too often networking is reduced to a numbers game of how many business cards you can pass out in an hour. If you are looking for a different approach, one more in alignment with your own professional values, then read on.

    The introvert advantage:

    Introverts have the advantage. You don't have to grandstand, shake fifty hands and talk about yourself. Instead, the name of the game is to develop new meaningful relationships. The best way to do that is to learn about what is really important to the people you are meeting and to discover ways that you can help. You are likely a much better listener than your extroverted colleague who can happily spend an entire evening talking your ear off about his latest pursuits.

    A word about helping:

    Help in this context isn't about selling your services. It is about finding ways that you can assist the people that you meet. Can you send them an article with useful information? Can you connect them with someone who can lend them a hand? Can you offer them a valuable recommendation?

    Ask don't tell:

    To learn about the people you are meeting and discover how you can be of assistance, ask a few well thought-out questions and listen to the answers. I call this the "ask don't tell" approach. How, what, where and why questions invite longer and more detailed answers. Prepare a few questions ahead of time. Here are some to try out:

    * What brings you to this event today?

    * What have you enjoyed most about the conference so far?

    * What's new and exciting with your business these days?

    * What do you enjoy most about your work?

    * What are the biggest challenges?

    Ask don't tell is a valuable approach not just for networking events but for your interactions with friends, colleagues, staff members, and clients, as well. If you don't like talking about yourself then instead become one of the best listeners around.

    ROAD Questions:

    To ask great questions focus on what's most important to people:

    * Relationships – What are the most important relationships in this person's life?

    * Occupation – What is their occupation? What do they like/dislike about it? What is most exciting about their work? What is most challenging?

    * Activities – What activities is the person involved in personally and professionally? What professional or community associations do they contribute to?

    * Drive – What motivates this person? What are their personal and professional goals?

    Active listening:

    Once you ask your question the next step is to listen. Don't make the mistake of thinking that listening is a passive activity. As long as you are asking questions and listening to the answers you are in control of the conversation and an active participant. Here are five quick active listening tips to let your conversation partner know that they have your full attention.

    1. Focus your gaze on the person speaking. There's nothing worse then having a conversation partner scan the room for better options!

    2. Nod your head from time to time.

    3. Paraphrase what you have just heard to indicate your understanding: "It sounds like staffing is the biggest challenge…"

    4. Ask additional questions to learn more about the others thoughts and ideas, clarify meaning, or to learn more:

    * "Please tell me more about…"

    * "What happened after…？"

    * "What do you think are your best options?"

    5. Read up on active listening skills. Here`s a link to a valuable short article on active listening: http://www.personadev.com/2008/02/09/10-tips-to-be-a-better-listener/ Or download the free seminar from the University of California on Empathic Listening Skills: http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7article/article40.htm

    Closing a conversation:

    A conversation may continue for as long as you like. Focus on meeting just a few people and engaging in some interesting dialogue. If you are most comfortable with one-on-one exchanges then start up discussions with the people who are on their own at an event.

    To end the conversation address the person by name, make reference to what you learned, and exchange business cards:

    "Eliza, I have really enjoyed speaking with you today. Thanks for telling me about your work at the bank. May I have your business card so that I can email you that article?"

    At networking events people are naturally going to circulate around the room. There is no need to give a reason for ending the discussion.

    Remember to be honest. If you end a conversation by saying you are going to get a drink or more food, then do so. Being caught in a lie in the first fifteen minutes of meeting someone doesn't make a great impression.

    Following up:

    Relationships develop over time. Finding the opening for meaningful follow-up is the crucial first step. The ask don't tell approach allows you to uncover meaningful reasons for staying in touch. Sometimes you will find the next step is simply to continue the conversation over lunch or coffee. Other times it is to send an email or to introduce the person to someone you know. Uncovering the follow-up allows you to continue building the relationship with people who you are interested in getting to know.

    Top ten tips for the introverts approach to networking:

    1. Prepare. Put your analytic skills to work, and take just a few minutes to prepare. Why are you attending the event? What goal/s do you have for the event? What are three good questions you can ask to get the conversation started? How would you answer those questions yourself? Practice your approach for ending a conversation and moving on.

    2. Check that you have your business cards with you.

    3. Arrive a few minutes late so that the event is already underway.

    4. Begin by scanning the room and getting a beverage to give you a chance to relax.

    5. If you don't know anyone at the event, find the wall flowers –- the people like you who are standing alone. Introduce yourself and ask one of your prepared questions.

    6. Listen about 80% of the time.

    7. Keep your attention on the person you are speaking with. If you want to scan the room for people you know then do so when you are between conversations.

    8. Focus on uncovering at least one meaningful follow-up opportunity.

    9. Don't be among the last to leave an event. Always leave a little early.

    10. Get organized. Take notes. Jot down important information about the person you have met on his/her business card and store the information in a contact management system.

    Remember:

    "The number one skill for success in the twenty first century is the ability to talk to other people. If we don't connect with others, there is really no next step: no referrals, no job offers, no promotions, no alliances. … The only goal of your initial interaction is to have the next interaction. Period."

    你害怕人际交往活动吗？不知道该说些什么？你对"不得不"交换名片不悦或可能有些反感吗？如果是这样，那么你很可能特别看重诚意和专业精神。交际网络常常被简化为一个小时内交换了多少名片的数字游戏。如果您正在寻找一种截然不同的、更符合自己专业价值观的方法，请你继续阅读。

    内向性格的优势：

    性格内向的人有自身的优势。你不必哗众取宠地表演，不必跟人一握手就握50下也不必老谈论自己。相反，交往的目的在于发展新的有意义的关系。最好的方式就是了解你面对的人真正看重什么，以及你怎样可以有所帮助。您很可能是个好听众，而你的性格外向的同事可能一整晚喋喋不休地谈他的新嗜好。

    有所帮助：

    这种情况下帮助并不是出售服务。而是寻找途径，可以帮助你面对的人。你能发给他们含有有用信息的文章吗？你能帮他们联系上可助一臂之力的人吗？你能为他们提供宝贵的建议吗？

    询问而不是诉说：

    了解你面对的人，看是否可以提供帮助，提几个深思熟虑的问题，然后倾听回答。我把这个做法称为"只问不说".怎么样，是什么，在哪里和为什么这样的问题会引出更长、更详细的答案。交流前先准备好几个问题。下面几个问题可以试试：

    * 你为什么会你参加这个活动呢？

    * 到目前为止这个会议你最喜欢的是什么？

    * 你的工作最近有什么新的和令人兴奋的进展？

    * 你的工作你最喜欢的是什么？

    * 最大的挑战是什么？

    '只问不说'这个有益的做法不仅适用于具体的交际活动，而且也适用于与朋友，同事，单位员工和客户之间的日常交流。如果你不喜欢谈论自己，那就不妨作一个好听众吧。

    提出恰当的问题（ROAD）:

    提的问题要集中在对该人最重要的问题上：

    * 关系（R elationships）--此人生命中最重要的关系是什么？

    * 职业 （O ccupation） -- 他们是什么职业？他们的喜好是什么？面临的最大的挑战是什么？

    * 活动 （A ctivities） --此人在个人和职业方面与该活动有什么关系？他们分属于什么专业或社会团体？

    * 动机 （D rive） --此人的动机是什么？他们的个人和职业目标是什么？

    积极倾听：

    一旦你问完问题，下一个步就是倾听。不要错误地认为倾听只是被动的活动。只要你提出问题和倾听回答，你就控制着谈话，也在积极参与。这里有五个可快速掌握的积极倾听技巧，可以让你的对话伙伴知道你正全神贯注。

    1. 眼神注视说话人。谈话时没有什么比眼睛扫视别处寻找别的事情更糟糕的了！

    2. 常常点头。

    3. 转述一下你刚才听到的以表明你理解了。如："听起来人员配备是最大的挑战… "

    4. 再问其他问题，以进一步掌握别人的想法和意见，澄清话语含义，或要了解更多信息：

    * "请告诉我更多关于… "

    * "之后的情况怎么样… ? "

    * "你觉得是你的最佳选择是什么？ "

    5. 积极倾听技巧深入阅读。这是一个关于积极倾听实用的短文链接： http://www.personadev.com/2008/02/09/10-tips-to-be-a-better-listener/ 或从美国加州大学免费下载移情听力技巧讲座： http://www.cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7article/article40.htm

    结束对话：

    只要你喜欢对话可能会继续下去。重点跟几个人交流，谈一些感兴趣的对话。如果你一对一交流很惬意，最好开始跟活动中独处的人展开讨论。

    结束谈话时可以询问对方的名字，提到谈话带给你的收获，并交换名片：

    "伊丽莎，我今天真的很享受与您交谈。感谢您告诉我您在银行的工作情况。可以给我您的名片，这样我可以把这篇文章发电子邮件给您？ "

    交际活动中人们自然会在房间里转来转去。结束讨论时没有必要解释原因。

    记住要诚实。如果你要去取饮料或更多的食物而结束您的谈话时，就直接这样说出来。与人谈话时头15分钟就被人发现撒谎会给人留下不良印象。

    寻求下次行动：

    人际关系的发展需要时间。找到有意义的后续交流的契机是至关重要的第一步。'只问不说'的方法可以让您发现有用的保持联系的理由。有时候你会发现，下一步就是在午餐或喝咖啡时继续话题。有时候则是发送电子邮件或把此人介绍给你认识的人。寻求下次交流的机会让你可以跟乐意认识的人继续建设起联系。

    内向的人建立人际关系网络的十大秘诀：

    1. 做好准备。花上几分钟准备，运用你的分析能力。你为什么要参加该活动？你参加这次活动的目的是什么？开始对话的三个好问题是什么？你自己如何回答这些问题？练习结束谈话和继续下去的方法。

    2. 检查你是否带了名片。

    3. 晚几分钟到，确保活动已经开始。

    4. 首先，扫视室内，拿杯饮料，放松下来。

    5. 活动中如果你您不人士别人，找跟你一样单处的人。自我介绍，用准备好的一个问题提问。

    6. 用约80 %的时间倾听。

    7. 关注与你谈话的人。如果你要扫视屋里您认识的人，在交谈间隙这样做。

    8. 留意发现至少一个有意义的后续交流机会。

    9. 不要最后一个离开活动现场。离开总是有点早。

    10. 要有条理。做好笔记。在他的名片上记下此人重要信息并储存在联络人管理系统中。

    请记住：

    "二十一世纪获得成功的第一技能是与他人交流的能力。如果我们不与他人联系，就真的无法走到下一步：没有推荐，没有工作机会，没有晋升，没有统一战线……你首次与人交流唯一目的就是创造下一次交流机会……