From my perspective, once you enter into the realm of marriage, building and maintaining a successful marriage is actually a big part of personal and financial success. A solid marriage not only results in people sharing resources together, but a marriage also provides a lot of emotional support, cheerleading, and encouragement to succeed.

    In the most recent reader mailbag, I answered a question about marriage from a reader named Sally: You and your wife seem to have a very strong marriage. Can you give me some tips on how to keep my marriage strong? What do you do to keep it that way?

    After I posted the question and my response （which I quoted below）, I received a small flood of emails from readers telling me about their troubled marriage at length and asking me for more suggestions along these lines, something that I was happy to oblige in the first email, but by the time the twentieth or so arrived, I realized that this would make a better standalone post than simply reiterating the same ideas in a long string of emails.

    First, a general note: my belief is that a successful marriage is built one moment at a time. From what I've learned, a marriage is like a stone wall: it's a mix of big things and little things, all assembled together to form something strong. Sure, there are a lot of big rocks in that wall （the big moments in your marriage, like your wedding day or some other big, key moment）, but those rocks don't fit together without a lot of little rocks to fill in the gaps and make them strong.

    Most marriages seem to have little problem with their big moments. It's easy to think back and think of big, happy moments in the marriage. I tend to believe that most marriages fail because of the small moments. Our individual lives get so busy that we fail to spend the time and effort to put those little stones in place, and when a bit of pressure is applied, the wall falls apart easily. On the other hand, when the little stones are there to fill in the gaps, the wall becomes strong and able to withstand anything that comes along.

    I also believe that the little things are hard. Often, it's not a matter of desire - almost all of us genuinely want to make our marriages work and work well. The challenge for many is that we get wrapped up in the complexity of our own lives. Others simply have difficulty expressing or showing what we feel.

    What follows are twelve little things I do quite regularly to put those little pieces into my marriage. Please, use as many of these as seem reasonable. The first five are quoted from my response to the original question in the mailbag.

    I tell my wife I love her every single day.I usually do it in the morning before she leaves the bedroom, and on weekdays I'll also tell her when I see her in the evening for the first time. I usually couple it with a kiss. It's so simple, but it's a constant reminder of the fact that I do love her, no matter what.

    I ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions.I do this not only so I can keep tabs on her professional life, but also to give her a great chance to vent about her situation. Everyone needs to talk about themselves sometimes to someone who is interested - I try to provide that for her as often as I can.

    I try to surprise her on a regular basis.I'll spend an hour preparing a really excellent supper when she doesn't expect it. I'll spontaneously give the kids a bath when she's comfortable on the couch under a blanket, even if it's her turn. Doing these little unexpected things not only shows her I care, but also often compels her to do similar things for me.

    I hold her hand. I do this all the time, whenever it crosses my mind and seems appropriate.I'll just hold her hand gently while we're talking or we're riding in the car or we're waiting for an appointment or we're sitting on the couch in the evenings.

    I talk about EVERYTHING with her and let her determine what's interesting.If something is concerning me, I don't hide it from her. I tell her about it. Most of the time she's interested and we'll discuss it - sometimes she's not and I let it drop （this is key - if she's not into the topic, I don't push it）. Either way, though, she gets the message that I'm making an effort to share and be open.

    I work on building a positive relationship with her family.Whenever I visit or see anyone in her family, I make a special effort to try to establish or build upon a strong relationship with them. This accomplishes several things: it makes her more at ease in a family situation, it helps me to build stronger ties with people that are important to her, and it helps me to understand the influences that were around her as she grew up.

    I send her messages during the day.About once a week, during a time where my wife is really present in my thoughts, I send her a little simple note by email. All it says is something along the lines of "I was thinking about you just now. I can't wait until I see you this evening." It's just a very simple way of letting her know she's on my mind and in my heart.

    I put careful thought into gifts I give her.Sure, it's easy to just run out and get a generic gift to cover yourself during an anniversary or a birthday. However, a gift with some real thought behind it means substantially more than an obviously off-the-cuff gift.

    I encourage her to follow her passions and interests, even if they don't inspire or interest me.If my wife chooses to spend significant time on a project, it's obviously something that's important to her. That doesn't imply at all that it has to be important to me. If she's involved in her own project, I give her positive encouragement and then work on my own interests instead of saying things like "that seems like a waste of time."

    If she needs me, I willingly contribute to those passions.If something genuinely excites her and she wants me to experience it, I willingly involve myself in whatever it may be: a particular type of art, a craft project, a yard project, whatever. Even if I don't enjoy it, I do have the opportunity to learn more about my wife and what she's passionate about, which means that my understanding of her grows.

    I look for opportunities to build mutual friendships.The idea that there is a group of people that are "my" friends and another group that is "her" friends can be a big dividing factor between us. Instead, I often focus on building friendships and relationships that we share with others so that something of a community of friendship and love grows up around us.

    I hold her every night, even if it's just for a moment.I might be completely exhausted when I go to bed in the evening, but I take a moment to move close to her, put my arm around her, and hold her close, even if it's just for a minute or so. That moment of physical contact to end the day is a simple sign of love.

    我觉得从踏入婚姻的城堡起，建立和维护一桩美满的婚姻便是个人和事业成功的一个重要部分。一桩美满的婚姻并不仅仅意味着两人间的资源共享，它还会给予你更多的感情支持并赋予你迈向成功的勇气。

    在最近的读者信箱里，我曾回答过一个叫Sally的读者有关婚姻方面的问题，她说：你的婚姻看起来很幸福，你能否传授我一些保持幸福婚姻的小技巧？你是怎么做到的呢？

    后来我给出了意见和答案（下面会提到）.我接到过许多这样的读者邮件，都是关于如何挽救糟糕的婚姻的。在前几封信时，我很乐于去一一帮助他们，但随着时间的推移有20多封有关这方面的信，我意识到应该单独讨论一下这个问题，这会比只在那进行一系列相同意见的回复要好的多。

    首先，有一个根本性的提示：我相信幸福的婚姻是建立在每一个小瞬间的。在我看来，婚姻就像一堵墙：一堆大大小小的石块砌在一起才变成坚固的墙。砌墙用的大石块（类似于你婚姻中某些重要的时刻，比如结婚当天或者其他很重要的日子）,但是这些大石块并不能使彼此紧密的砌在一起，所以必须要为其加入一些小石块，好填满空隙，只有这样的墙才是坚固的。

    很多婚姻的重要时刻看起来都是没有什么问题的。在幸福的时刻，它们容易被想起，被扩大。我更倾向于许多失败的婚姻是由于一些生活中的小点滴造成的。我们每个人都繁忙的生活着，让我们没有充足的时间去下功夫--去加那些"小石块".所以当"墙"受到一点压力时就会因无法支撑而坍塌。换句话说，如果我们记得用"小石块" 填满那些空隙，那么"墙"才能坚固到可以抵御即将到来的压力。

    我也相信要做到这些小事是很难的。通常它们不关乎欲望--几乎我们所有人都真诚的希望自己有一桩美满的婚姻。对许多人来说对付我们已经成型的复杂生活本身就是一个挑战，让我们精疲力尽，剩下的一些简单的东西反而因为简单让我们觉得难以表达或表现。

    以下是我在婚姻生活中会定期做的12件事。请合理的最大化的运用它们。前五个是引自我回复读者邮件中的。

    我每天都会跟妻子说"我爱她".我通常在她早晨起床前以及每天晚上回家后第一次见她时跟她说这句话。通常还伴有一个吻。这很简单，但是这确实是在现实中很有效的提醒了我，无论如何我真的很爱她。

    谈论她一天的所见所闻和一些困惑。我这么做不仅是我要密切关注她的职业生涯，并且还要给于她一个发泄自己的好机会。许多时候，每个人都需要和他们喜爱的人谈谈自己。我会经常努力尝试做这个人。

    我会定期给她一个惊喜。我会花一个小时来准备一个她并不知道的丰盛大餐。我会在她舒服的躺在沙发上的时候，自觉的给孩子们洗澡，即使是在轮到她做的时候。去做这些她并未期望的小事，而不去特别表现那是我做的，而且也不以此强迫她为我做这些。

    只要我想起来，我会在任何合适的场合握住她的手。当我们一起聊天，一起在车里读书，或者是在等待参加一个约会，又或者是晚上坐在沙发上，我都会很温柔的握住她的手。

    谈论一切和她有关的事情并让她选择她自己感兴趣的。如果谈到了有关我的事情，我也不会隐瞒她。我会把整件事告诉她，大多数时候只要她感兴趣我们就聊聊它--有时她不愿意谈的我也就不再提起（这是关键--如果她不想谈论这个话题，我也不会再去提它）.无论哪种方式，但只要是她得知了一点的，那就一定是我努力想要与她分享的。

    我努力与她的家庭建立一种友好的关系。无论何时，我都会特别努力的去与在她家所见到的任何一个人建立稳定的关系。这有许多功效：这可以使她有一个很融洽的家庭关系，也可以使我和那些对她很重要的人之间的联系变得更紧密，而且还能帮助我了解她从小所受到的家庭影响。

    白天我会给她发邮件。大约每周我会发一封简短的邮件，与此同时我会想我的妻子现在在哪儿呢。一般都是写一些像"我想你。我等不及想要见到你"这类的话。这个方式很简单就能让她知道我爱她、我想她。

    仔细的挑选礼物。当然，如果你仅仅是跑出去找一个普通的礼物来使自己可以应付一个周年纪念或者生日的话那是很简单。无论怎样，一个真心挑选的礼物要比一个即时挑选的礼物的实际的意义大的多。

    我鼓励她追寻自己的爱好和兴趣，即使它们并不能激起我的兴趣。如果我的妻子选择花时间做某件事，很明显那一定对她很重要。但那并不意味着对我也很重要。如果她真的去做了，我会给她积极的鼓励并继续着我自己感兴趣的事，而不是这样说："你是在浪费时间。"

    如果她需要我，我乐于促成。如果有什么真的打动了她，而且她希望我能用丰富的经验指导她，我乐于参与，不论是什么：一种特别的艺术，手工艺，园艺，无论什么。甚至是我不喜欢的，不过我有了一个绝佳的去了解我的妻子和我妻子所钟爱的事业的机会，这意味着我对她的认识更深入了。

    我期待建立共有朋友的机会。这个想法出现是因为，我有一群"我"的朋友，她有一群"她"的朋友，而这种形式使得我们之间有了很多区分因素。换句话说，我通常集中的建立一些可以互相分享的友谊和关系，这样有利于建立一个能让爱和友谊累积起来的固定的小团体。

    我每晚都会抱着她，虽然也许只有一会儿。可能我晚上睡觉时已经筋疲力尽了，但我还是会留出时间靠近她，抱住她，和她紧紧的挨住，即使这个过程只有几分钟。简短的身体接触是那一天结束时最简单的爱的信号。